From Scolding To Unfolding

About Birthing A Book

Dear Soul Friends,

I have been putting off announcing a release date for my book till now as I wanted to choose a meaningful day for this special occasion. I wanted the date to mean something to me, I wanted it to be aligned with the book, I wanted it to be special. I. The ego in me, I guess. 

How It All Started

The wish to put my poetry into a book began a few years ago, when I attended a workshop by the wonderful poet Tanya Markul that would teach me how to self-publish a poetry book. The course was amazing, it fueled my inspiration and although it was a very busy time for me, I was committed to sticking to it, and I did. I didn’t do all the exercises, but I wrote a lot of new poetry. I remember trying to arrange and bring my poetry into a form, but nothing made sense and I couldn’t find a vision of how it could all come together. In addition to this, I had another book planned, and my thoughts were focussed on making that book happen. The plan to move to Ireland and to open my own company consumed my time and thus, I pushed the undertaking of publishing a poetry book to the side. It simply wasn’t the right time. 

Winter is the best time for writing (Picture Credit: Author)

Fast-forward to winter 2023. I was sitting in the cosy cottage, surrounded by my two cats, soaking up the joy of Christmastime. Suddenly an idea sprung to my mind - I wanted to celebrate my favourite author and the world of poetry. I am a spontaneous person and thus, I quickly created the event and was eager to plan the content, when I got an email that stopped me in my tracks. Apparently, I had violated some copyright with my announcement of the event. All I wanted to do was to celebrate the very person who has changed my life with their words. All I wanted to do was to share the words that once had touched me so deeply. I wasn’t planning to make money with the event, I wasn’t planning to adorn myself with borrowed plumes. Still, I was being told off. I will spare you the details, but I won’t spare you my emotions. 

Scolding

I spent the last years
healing the shame
for just being me
I spent the last years
unlearning, uncloaking
remembering
that there is nothing
absolutely nothing
wrong with me
I may have made a mistake
overlooked a detail
too innocent in my mind
Yet I was always genuine
never greedy, never unkind

Here I was
opening my heart
spreading my arms wide
inviting the celebration
loved ones at my side
Connected to the eyes
of the Love
that had lifted me up
offering myself
my heart and soul
on the altar of praise
only to be scolded
told off, being hazed
cut off the inner circle
usurpingly forced to drop 
the frame
the graven image
put into boxes
sealed
with a trace of mystery
dusted
with a heavy film of shame

as I sink to my knees
and weep
suddenly my inner child arises
the shame, again
swallows me whole
I try to find solace in the words
little embers 
sparkling
in the quenching coal
the wine now tastes bitter
it has gone stale
I look at my hands
they seem frozen
and pale

In my deepest despair
I call for help
tugging on the universe’s sleeve
to please
please
please
grant me release

Who am I
and who do I want to be?
How do I want to write?
What do I wish to ignite?
How can I ever be free
in a world filled with conditions
where is the fucking field
that Rumi knows
the one beyond right
and wrongdoing
I sit, crumbled
in the middle
defeated
while the storm of righteousness
and humiliation grows

I was lucky
I thought later
it could have been worse
yet my throat stayed clenched
for quite a while
choking 
on the ugliest words

I came with an offering
a cornucopia of Love
the door was harshly shut
you shall not pass
the voice echoes in my head
while I stand naked
in the thunderstorm
fear 
doesn’t give shelter
to the poor

I collected the shards
put together a new picture
Kintsugi
the traces of cinder
painted on my face
I embark into the peaceful war
Let’s free the wor(l)d

Love doubles
when she is given 
away

Sadhbh Adamea

Light reaches even the darkest corners (Picture Credit: Author)

Darkness Is Needed To Birth The Light

I was so confused, I almost lost the desire to write at all. However, amidst the chaos, I prayed. I cried and prayed, meditated and soothed my nervous system. I wept for the words that I would never be allowed to share again and grieved the death of the magic that surrounded my story with this author. Like with every grieving process, after the initial tears, I climbed up the scale towards anger. Oh, I love anger, it can be so wonderfully powerful. Anger can give us the energy to sit down for days and write. Thus, I wrote. I poured my heart out as one very strong wish emerged: I wanted to spread my wor(l)ds. I wanted them to be free. I wanted them to travel, to be used, to be integrated, to be swirled inside out and upside down, I wanted them to flow in and out of people’s experiences and I wanted the truth to be shouted into the world: We are Love. Everything else is an illusion. 

Suddenly, everything fell into place. A structure for the book emerged. The prelude, introduction, how to read the book and all the write-ups for the sections were written within only a few days. The poetry I wrote in the past years fit perfectly together. I completed the tapestry of words with golden ink. Kintsugi. 

Spirals

As the book was done, I decided to self-publish it. I signed up on the platform and was met with an immensity of laws and rules. Boom. The sound of the door echoed in my head again. I can’t do this. I will get in trouble again. This is not working. I climbed straight back into my cocoon and curled myself up in a little ball, protecting the words pressed against my womb. May they stay here. Maybe, one day, they will be published. However, I had crossed a threshold, there was no going back. The seed was planted, ready to grow. The cocoon my husk. 

Life went on. I moved to another area in Ireland. I faced other adventures and fell in Love with more words. I read my first poem aloud during an open mic night. I observed, learned and experimented. I faced my fears and educated myself more. The words safely tucked away, ready to ripen, until fall (autumn) opens her abundant arms.

Nine Months

It has been nearly exactly nine months since I wrote this book. I welcomed it back in August, infusing the words with Love until every trace of fear and anger vanished into thin air. The creation cleansed by divine healing. Here I am, ready to go, having trouble setting the date for this very special moment. It is too much of a coincidence that it took me nine months to create, format and publish this book. Therefore, I will surrender to the analogy and say that, just like with the birth of a child, you can predict a date for the day of birth, yet the child itself decides when it is the right time.

Thus, I am announcing the due date to be the 22nd of September 2024! However, if Limitless is born earlier or later, I will let you know so that you can welcome her in this world and feel her Love! 

Have a wonderful day!

Lots of Love,

Sadhbh (Nicole)

In the meantime, if you want to have a little glimpse into the book and reflect on the season of letting go, join me and Bernie Woods (who just published three mindful poetry books for children) in tomorrow’s session of “The Love Café”! No poetry experience needed, just the wish to relax, reset and wind down! This meeting is free of charge and you can sign up for it on my website (then you will receive an email with the Zoom link). Click here.