The Point Of No Return

On Going Abroad & Spiritual Awakening

Jun 20, 2024

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Familiar

Sometimes
I want to rest
wrapped
in the safe blanket
of familiarity
held 
by broken dreams
and shallow laughter 
that echoes from the grey veil
covering my deepest soul

Sometimes
I miss this place
my heart was lighter
the days seemed brighter
in the illusory scent
of numbness 
the safety net 
kept me from falling
into the deep dark blue

I close my eyes
trying to hear
my why 
but all I see
is you

Sadhbh Adamea

Going abroad and spiritual awakening are mirrors. On some days, I just want to crawl back into the familiar womb of being unconscious in the same way that my body seems to crave the familiarity of my old surroundings. These days in particular, I miss my friends, my colleagues and my family. I think about the smells of the city I lived in, the familiar feeling that embraced me when I entered my favourite café. The ease of just knowing what each day will look like. No surprises. No changes. Just the same routine every day. There is comfort in routines. There is comfort in the known.

I think my cats were more scared than I was when I moved abroad. (Picture credit: Author)

When you move abroad, everything is unfamiliar, you would think. Yet, there are people you meet that you feel like you’ve known forever. There are people you see, and they remind you of someone from your old place. There are places that make you feel like you’ve been there before. The flowers, the trees, the earth and water feel just the same. A fire still looks like a fire. Nature emanates the same comfort no matter in which country you are.

“Wherever You Go, There You Are”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

We take ourselves with us when we go on a journey. The road can change us, but we need to let it happen. We can walk a road unconsciously each day, not recognising the beauty it offers. Yet one day, when our perception has changed, we might walk the same path, yet it feels entirely different. We suddenly spot a tree or something else that hasn’t been there before.

Picture Credit: Author. Captured in my favourite Café in Germany

We can’t unsee a world we have once witnessed. We can’t unfeel something that has once moved us. The minute we catch a glimpse beyond the veil, there is no going back. There is a point of no return in every journey. Everyone who has had a spiritual awakening describes, that from that moment on, life takes you on a journey. Pulled by an invisible force. I came to this country like this. My soul pulled me. It left me with a quest bigger than I’ve ever imagined. Sometimes I feel like I am in a murder mystery game, desperately trying to find the next key to the next box, only to find another riddle in it. When we follow the breadcrumbs, we need to remember to lift our heads from the ground from time to time. Otherwise, we will miss all the beauty on the way.

The word “foreigner” means “outside the boundaries of a country”. Transferring this meaning to the spiritual path, I can only say that there are no boundaries in the spiritual realm. The vastness of the universe surrounds us constantly, and in meditation I can feel the greatness of this Love. My ego, however, sometimes feels like a newborn that can’t cope with all the space, arms aching for someone to wrap her tightly. It is hard to sense oneself with no body. In Medieval Latin the word “foreigner” was written “foraneous” and literally means “out-of-doors”.* We are out of the door, on the outside of the safety of our house. One door closes, another one opens. Yet, we can only find what we are searching for through the door that opens to the inside. Our heart.

My spiritual awakening did not occur at a certain point of time in my life. It rather gradually emerged until one day it was fully born. I have had many little experiences that make me feel like I have encountered a world beyond this earth. Every time I came back to the human world, I felt like an alien. As someone who likes to play with words, I wonder if there is a reason that the words alien and aligned are so close to each other. I will leave this to you and your ponderings.

Every time I sense myself without the boundaries of my body, I feel at home. Yet, my ego seems to crave human recognition and interaction. This makes me wonder: Without our bodies, how do we even experience ourselves? If a tree falls somewhere and there is no body to witness it, did it happen? These days, it seems like my soul is watching my ego’s little tantrums and moments of utter despair, keeping her calm like in a mountain meditation. Despite my very human experience of my own feelings, there is an underlying sense of peace that somehow knows that everything will work out.

I know that I am here to spread kindness and Love. That is the only thing I know for sure.

“Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society

At night a candle's brighter than the sun”

Sting, from the Song: “Englishman in New York”

The summer solstice heralds the beginning of the darker seasons. Immediately our egos turn towards lack, dreading the darkness. Yet, we need to remember that we are carrying the light inside us. All we need to do is keep the flame burning. To make the world a better place, all we need to do is to help each other keep our flames burning. One spark alone that you emit might light up someone else’s fire.

Picture Credit: Author (Germany) - Walking besides the well-trodden paths takes courage.

However, it is okay to long for the “good old days”. Where it felt like the heart was lighter and the days seemed brighter. A safety net can keep us from falling. It also hinders us from diving deeper. Following our soul’s calling might feel like a big dark blue, but we need to remember that we always knew how to swim.

Happy Solstice everyone!

Lots of Love,

Sadhbh (Nicole)

Do you sometimes feel like you want to go back to something just because it is familiar?

Let me know!

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